Once there was a boy named David. He was beaten and starved by his mother for years until one day the police took him away. He then moved in with his aunt and cousins who all lived in Harlem New York. His aunt lived with her 3 kids and her nephew Alfred. He used to box, he quit but he stills goes to the gym to train and workout. This gym was called Donatelli’s. David decided that he would go and see the gym for himself.
It was then that David decided that he would like to try this boxing thing out for himself. So every morning Alfred and David got up and ran together. Then they would both go to school. (Alfred dropped out but he started going back again.) After they got home from school they would do there homework and then go the gym until they came home for dinner. After dinner Alfred would go to work at a grocery store for a few hours. When this would happen David would relax and watch some TV.
David really loved his new life. His family was always nice to him, he could eat as much as he wanted, and he was having tons of fun at the gym. Eventually Mr. Donatelli let him start sparring with other boxers. It was then that David discovered that he was great at boxing. He could take much more punishment than the other boxers because he was used to the pain of his mother abusing him for all of those years. David trained harder than any other boxer and before long Donatelli put him into a fight.
Immediately David chose Alfred to be in his corner. Once the fight night came David, Alfred, and Alfred’s friend Henry drove to Alfred’s friend Spoon’s house. While they were David was first told to take a nap and after that he was made a steak. It seemed like ages before they finally had to go to the fight. It turns out that the guy that David was facing was a skinny kid that Alfred had beaten back in his boxing days.
Finally the match had begun, if you were watching the match from the stands all you would have been able to see was David completely destroying the guy. Not even a minute in to the fight David got the knock out. Unlike Alfred who quit fighting just because he didn’t like to hurt other people; David loved fighting, he felt like that he was letting go of year’s worth of anger in every punch he threw. Since then David was dominant in all of his fights. Before any time at all he was 10-0.
After a month or two of unbelievable fighting David was given a title match. He was going to face the current champion. David was so nervous; he had a chance to go from a kid that no one liked or even talked to into a champion. On the night of his tile match he went through his regular routine. He would drive with Alfred and Henry to Spoon’s house, take a nap and then eat dinner, and before he knew it he was on his way to Madison square garden where the most important moment of his life was about to take place.
The match had begun. He was facing a huge and muscular opponent that David had no clue how he was going to beat. At the end of the first round David took a beating. After that the rounds were flying by until they entered the final round neck and neck. David started getting hammered in the beginning of the round until he finally saw an opening. He hit the guy as hard as he could and his opponent dropped like a rock and didn’t get up. David won David was a Champion.
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ReplyDeleteIt was a good essay. My favorite part was te end when "He hit the guy as hard as he could and his opponent dropped like a rock and didn’t get up." I liked it because it was descriptive. I could see David knocking out the champion boxer when I read it at the end. There wasn't a lot of use of dialoge between Alfred and David in the essay. Consider putting some more conversation in future assignments.
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ReplyDeleteAfter reading this story I feel like David deserved to win. To be able to take a beating like because you've done it before should be rewarded, and this case it's rewarded with a championship. I remember the part about going to Spoon's, taking a nap and then eating a steak. When I read this I picture the movie Rocky; fort the last punch I feel like it sould be going slow motion. The idea that Daniel's training (or any one's traing) should be rewarded. This story really gears me toward the whole 'preperation pays off' mindset.
ReplyDeleteIn this story you really seem to be lacking dialogue. To help do this you could incorperate small talk at the gym, during training or at or on the way to Spoon's. Maybe including some of the conversation they have right before the last round. Anything like that could really help this story tremendously.
My favorite part of the story was at the end when David knowcked out his opponent with a single punch after taking such a beating. "Finally the match had begun, if you were watching the match from the stands all you would have been able to see was David completely destroying the guy." This quote really sood out to me because it explains how David was doing in the match descriptively, but in only one sentence.
There is at least pointer that this story could take though (asides from the dialogue). That pointer is editing, specifically for gramatical mistakes. There are quite a few examples throughout the story I could give where proper gramar wasn't used. Proofreading would really improve this.
In your next essay you might consider adding some more adjectives and descriptive verbs as well as going into more detail in some spots as well as taking out parts that aren't relevant to the story (for example the part about when Alfred went shopping and David watched tv).
All in all, I liked the story a lot.
When I read this story, in the end i was happy. I was happy for David that he was able to become a champion and find and new and better life. This story made me think about the movie Rocky. In both stories, David and Rocky were both determined to win even if they were the underdog. When you described the final fight i pictured a moment in the movie rocky when he knocked out the defending champion in the championship.
ReplyDeleteIn this story, I did not see any dialogue. Adding dialogue expresses the connection between the characters in the story. I like how you introduced the characters but as they were introduced to each other, you could have added dialogue between them. Also, during David's fights, you could have added dialogue between David and Alfred in the fighter's corner during the fight.
The final fight was my favorite part of the story."his opponent dropped like a rock and didn’t get up." This was my favorite part of the story because it was descriptive and it stood out to me. When i read this part of the story, i could picture the moment of the fight perfectly. I like how you described this knockout because in a real fight if someone got knocked out they most likely would "drop like a rock."
In this essay, i thought you had simple word usage. To make the story more interesting and fun to read, you could have substituted some of th boring adjectives with some rarely used ones.For example, you said "his opponent dropped like a rock." Instead of putting dropped, you could have replaced it with plunged. So, to improve your writing, make sure you add or replace any words that may help but also words that are boring and dull.
While writing future essays, consider revising your work and gathering your thoughts. Revision can eliminate some of the grammar mistakes you made throughout the story. By organizing your thoughts, you can organize your story so that it flows nicely together. Having a fluent essay helps the reader better understand and enjoy the essay. But, overall i liked the story and you did a good job writing it.
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